Finstown House by the fire this evening is just lovely. All the trees outside are all lit up for Christmas and the music is playing nicely in the back ground. It has a lovely atmosphere to relax, in the sitting room with a nice cuppa coffee. Definitely worth a visit to cosy up and chat. As I was doing this I thought to myself – This week was supposed to be a good week! It’s mums party, going to NY to start over, started my blog, know the direction I want to go, house is getting sorted, all family are healthy and happy that I know of, everything on the outside seems really good. So what is wrong?
There is something there, niggling away at me and to be honest when I woke most mornings this week and for the last few weeks all I feel like doing is crying. Why?
This week was actually an eventful and amusing one. The heat went MIA in the house so it was time for the winter woolies and hot water bottles. Then the tap in the kitchen gave in and was spewing out water all over the kitchen and my mother. We did our best DIY on this with it now wrapped up in an elastic band.
We had the lovely Donna to do our nails for the party. Arriving with her box of tricks and meaning business. Blonde, pretty, Dublin lass, business savvy and a breath of fresh air. She is definitely a what you see is what you get total character. Providing us with her own stories of drama happening in her life and her family, leaving us believing we’re not the only drama queens out there!
After my 4 day disappearing act on my poor painter I arrived one morning bright and early with a peace offering fruit scone along with the essentials – cream and Jam! Delighted with life and his scone we went around the house admiring his achievements and I even threw on the overalls and spent a few hours painting tables and presses. I went for the chalk-paint giving the furniture that distressed look. It’s keeping in theme with the look I’m going for in the house.
With all of this going on and more I have still been emotional all the time. Trying to brush myself off and dust myself down, convincing myself it’s the emotion of going away or the party or whatever excuse I could come up with.
Digging deep and being as real and honest as I can with myself I have some clarity on why I feel the way I feel. Thankfully I can now actually put my finger on it. Usually being the happy, bubbly girl I realise alot of that was taken out of me bit by bit over the last couple of years. I will take some ownership and say some of it by myself but the majority of it was not me.
To just let you know before I decided to go to New York or before all of this came about I was being bullied. For legal reasons I cannot go into this but I can tell you that being bullied is not fun. Feeling picked on and victimised or singled out can be detrimental to a persons health, mind and life. I was having nightmares about it all up until about 3 weeks ago but they do pop up every so often still. I am definitely working hard on myself to try and get back to being me.
I now know that I have been suffering from Post Traumatic Stress.
It is a journey and I will succeed. I do find that everything happens for a reason. This pain has pushed me forward to go and live my dream. I have not gone into the severity of how all the events effected me so badly but I am going forward with faith, hope and support.