Positivity-Can you hear me? I have been knocking and knocking on the door, let me in. It’s cold out here and I miss you!
Ringing the doorbell of a family home in Lucan on a dark windy December evening was a new one for me. I was shown into a cosy sitting room decorated happily for Christmas, the gas fire burning, a sense of calm and the smell of home cooking wafting in the background. I sat down in the chair that had been set up for me. Noticeably, a box of tissues at the ready to my left along with a glass of water, all coordinated meticulously ahead of our chat! I thought to myself “Ohh god, what am I doing?” All I want to do is turn on my heals, say thanks very much, get in my car and get the hell out of here.
Suck it up! You are here now and a professional person is ready to sit, listen and guild you through all that has happened in your world over the last year. She is going to furnish you with all the tools needed to fix everything!
She is going fix you.
This was my first time going to speak to someone outside my family about my life problems and if I’m honest there was a lot to try to communicate to someone who knew absolutely nothing about me. In there along with the normal day to day drama’s that we all face, this year dealt me issues and challenges such as bullying and the aftermath of that, copying Macaulay Culkin and being Home Alone this Christmas, moving to New York, searching for my happiness and ultimately trying to find myself again.
The Counselor gave me a few words of wisdom. To thine own self be true, and that I am on a journey of self discovery. She also told me that I’m a little boat! Yes, a boat. A dingy, out on my own in the middle of the big ocean. That I am in a very vulnerable state after everything that has happened and that my future is unknown. That when I get to Dublin Airport on New Years Eve if I want to turn around and go home that that’s okay! As much as I value the opinions of others and cried using her tissues as she said all this to me, I tend to disagree with these last few statements. Leaving there after 2 hours I wanted to shout it out that I am strong. I am Independent. I am a fighter. I am not going to sink! ~ I am going to New York and Not Only am I going to New York, but I am going to have a fucking ball while I am over there!
Rebuilding me from the foundations up! I got fire in my belly now. I am not a dingy in the ocean on my own ~ No bloody way!
Still suffering from emotional distress? Nope! Not at the moment. Those sad emotions seem to be finally, under some sort of control again & for now! So let’s give it a bit of time to settle in. Sure it was only a mere 4 days ago since my dad innocently asked “how are you with everything love”? He wasn’t prepared for my tears nearly hitting him like hailstones in the face! Oopps! Deep down he cant understand why I am not settling in Ireland and just getting on with things. Why am I going to New York? What am I going to do there? Where will I live? Will I be okay? I’m not sure he gets it fully but I know if I am happy, he will be too. Still always Daddy’s little girl. So with that being said I have definitely taken a sharp U-turn for the better. It’s like some powerful force came in, shook me and shouted “Wake up, open your eyes and get with the bloody programme, your missing it ALL”.
So, did I fix me? ✨
Meanwhile this week I gained a new family. Functional or dysfunctional? Who knows? I guess we will just have to wait and see but for now there will be 2 new super cool, down to earth tenants/new friends taking up residence and living in this happy positive space while I’m off living my dream! Getting them both on board to live in the house has been fun, it’s also left me a little envious. Like bittersweet that they get to stay here and have the craic and comforts, while I have to fly the nest and leave them to have fun without me for the foreseeable future! I know I know, pity for me haha!
Lanzarote had been my chosen destination for Christmas this year. Booking this in September I now realize it was an escape from my then reality. Chill on the beach, swim in the sea and get the sun on the bod. This left my family wondering what they would do for Christmas? So after I convinced them that I was going to be happy enough they then all made their own plans! Good for everyone to be living their lives I say!!
With me giving Lanzarote a miss now due to my exciting adventure to New York and the family off doing there own thing, what will I do for Christmas? Well, firstly I tried to sign up to feed the homeless in the Soup Kitchen’s in Dublin on Christmas Day but good for them, they are fully booked since October. I would have loved that. Secondly, I wanted to find a way to give back. Even through all of my emotions and “stuff” I am fully aware of how lucky I am and that there are others in way way worse situations than me!
It is the season for giving and I want to pay it forward✨ I had already paid for my flight tickets and thought to myself it would be great if someone was lost like I was and could put them to good use. I found a lovely guy, Peter, who seemed to fit. I gladly passed the Aer Lingus booking reference onto him yesterday free of charge. He is heading off now to Lanzarote next week to enjoy his Christmas in the sun. I hope he has a wonderful time!
Do things happen for a reason? ~ I really really do think so!
Positivity let me in and I welcomed it with open arms. Holding onto it now for dear life, I wont be letting go any time soon.
Lots for me to do and keep busy with over Christmas. Getting the house ready for 3 people to live comfortably for one thing. Opening the doors to let new life in feels great. Its no longer ‘Please mind the step’ at my front door. Its more like ‘Jump over it and live your life’!
So as this story continues, its nice knowing I am not Tom Hanks in Cast Away on my dingy crying for Wilson! The new sets of adventures have begun again here and now. In 3 weeks they will be continuing in a whole new City, which gives me loads of time to keep building up my foundations!